I forgot to share something with you guys: on Monday I was at the door of my job (Have I ever told you I have a job?) with the girls and the old director. And one of the persons I admire the most came and said: "Is it a veteran reunion?" As soon as she said that she looked at me and said: "Patricia isn't a veteran, but she has the spirit of one". And they all agreed. That's all I wanted to hear a few months ago, when I first started working here feeling an ET in the middle of those perfect people... I'm totaly at home now... feels great.

I'm losing my favourite game...

I just loved an email that I received:

There are only two things to worry about: if you are ok or if you are sick.
If you are sick, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about: if you are gonna be ok or if you are gonna die.
If you are gonna be ok, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are gonna die, there are only two things to worry about: if you are gonna go to Heaven or if you are gonna go to Hell.
If you are gonna go to Heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
And if you are gonna go to Hell, you are gonna be so busy saying hello to your old friends that you wont have time to worry about anything.

So, why worry?

I keep repeating the same old mistakes... Why is that? Seems like I'm always searching for a reason to feel blue. And even when the reason isn't big enough, I make it big and worse: I find someone to blame... And, I convince this person of her falt... Then I really feel blue, not only because of the false reason, but because of the horrible person that I am, who makes the people I love feel guilt and sad. : (

Yesterday I was thinking about my situation... I feel like everytime I spend the morning at home, people look at me with that disaproval look at their face as if what I was doing was so wrong. I don't want to graduate, everyone knows that my life is cinema. But when it reaches a practical size and people realise that I'm for real, things start to get messy. I feel like I'm disapointing everyone. I was the perfect child and everyone always had great expectations for me. I was the kind the probably becames a lawyer or a doctor and soon is rich and totally in the real world. But I'm not like this. I wont be a lawyer, I'll be a film maker. Probably won't became rich any time soon and definately won't be adjusted to the real world, I'll surely want to change it. So why do I even get mad at this things? Why don't I just forget about it? I'll prove to them someday... Maybe I'm not so sure if I'll really do it... I need to know that more people believes in me.

I think I've come up with my diagnostic: I have never been in love because I don't want to be in love in a real sort of way, I want to be in love like in the romantic comedies that I am in love with... And no one seems to be as charmed as I want my prince to be...

I'm feeling great... don't know why... And I don't wanna know, I just want to continue feeling this way.

I think I've hurt my best friend. Why do we hurt the people we love when we are down? I think it happens because we want to hurt ourselves. There is no better way of hurting ourselves than hurting the ones we love. When we notice that they've been hurt, the pain is unbearable...

Maybe I should just follow that advice: "Hey, you've got to hide your love away..."

I'm so sad... I don't know why... I'm feeling empty... As if something was missing. And I want to cry and I want to yell out loud. But no one seems to hear me. Or understand... I don't understand myself. I used to have more control over my life. What happened? Why have I allowed myself to get like this? What should I do to get out of that? There's a big weigh over my shoulders. It's getting in the way of my dreams. Keeps pulling me back. I have been walking in circles, running in the wrong direction, walking without getting in any place at all... What is so wrong? Why suddenly the world is so unattractive, boring, uninteresting, cold... the opposite of what have dreamed of? Why? Why do I have to know the reason why? Why do I have to think about every little feeling in my heart? Why am I writing this to people who will never know me? Why do I have to hide my feelings away? Why do I allow people to let me down? "Don't let me down… don't let me down".

What to do when the dream start to get you tired?
One day I was at the church and before the priest walks in, I asked God: Are my dreams stupid? Should I just become a normal person and start to have small dreams, dreams that I can accomplish?
And as soon as the priest go up in the altar, he did something that he is not used to do: he started asking us questions: what keep us alive? Is it food? Is it energy? That keeps our body alive, I mean what makes us want to keep going? And he said: Our dreams. The bigger is the dream, the harder is to get it and the longer we will continue trying. There it was, loud and clear. The answer.
After that I should never, ever had a doubt about it anymore. But it keeps coming. Why am I such a coward? Why don’t I just dive in? I know that there is nothing in the World that I could possible do. I know that if I don’t do what I love I will never be happy and I know that I can’t live a mediocre life. Never. So, why so many doubts? Why is everything so hard? Have I asked for that? I remember when everything I wanted just fell out in my arms. It was so easy. I wish things could turn back that away. I wish … I don’t know what I wish anymore.
Why the times I need someone the most are exactly the times I can’t have anyone?
Why am I thinking about it now?
What makes it come and go?
What ever brings it up?
It just comes and go…
My life doesn’t seem to be in the right place.
The Led Zeppelin song that used to make me fell better "There’s still time to change the road you are in" doesn’t have much effect anymore.

Don't Stop Dancing

At times life is wicked and I just can’t see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn’t enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again
But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away…away
At times life’s unfair and you know it’s plain to see
Hey God I know I’m just a dot in this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again
But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way
Am I hiding in the shadows? |
Forget the pain and forget the sorrows |
But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way
Am I hiding in the shadows?
Are we hiding in the shadows?

I'm waiting for this day... My life will surely change...

The The - This Is the Day

Well... you didn't wake up this morning
Because you didn't go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes
Turn red
The calendar, on your wall, is ticking the days off
The calendar on your wall is ticking
the days off
You've been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you've changed
All the money in the world
Couldn't bring back those days.
You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes,
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
THIS IS THE DAY - Your life will surely change.
THIS IS THE DAY - Your life will surely change.
You could've done anything - if you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky.
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like

Wise up - Aimee Mann

It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
There's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
One drink
Will shrink you 'til you're underground
And living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
So just...give up

Save-me - Aimee Mann

You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Because I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell of the hunger strike

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

You struck me dumb like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me
Came on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Came on and save me
Why don't you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone

I’m just so tired of everything...
Nothing seems to be in the right place
My life has been wasted in meaningless hours
Nobody to share my dreams
No one to stay with me
Nothing fun to do
Nothing interesting to put my life on
Nothing that I could do to change it
Nothing that I should do to make it sound better
I can’t just start again…
You know, make a list of what you need before you sign way the deal
What is the list of what I need?
Am I running in the wrong direction?
Are my values all twisted out?
Is cinema really the meaning of my life?
Is continue to make tests for its course at unb run after it?
How much time have I wasted?
How many lives should a man live before they call him a man?
Am I in the right place in the right time?
Am I doing exactly what should be doing now?
Is this getting anywhere?
Am I ever gonna take anything good from all this?
WHAT IS the meaning of life?
Does everyone do what they have been told to do?
If yes, why am I different?
Would I be happier if was blind?
To increase knowledge is to increase suffering?
To be born, go to school, go to college; meet someone, get married, go to work, get retired, go home, live the rest you have left and then die. Is that it?
Is life really that shallow?

Why the times I need someone the most are exactly the times I can’t have anyone?

I'm just so lonely...

And so I started to do all the things on my own. No problema with that. But like four months ago, I met a girl at work. She is really nice. And she said she doesn't go to the cinema very often because her boyfriend doesn't like it. I was like: "what???" I absolutely love cinema. I couldn't possibly believe someone could not go to the cinema, only because she didn't have company. But then, we became close friends. And we started to do everything together, including go to the cinema. Now, I'm starting to like having a company and dislike not having a company. I don't know if it's good or bad, I just think that I'm becoming so dependent. I must have someone with me all the time. And sometimes it hurts. I catch myself thinking about having someone, sharing my thoughts with someone and questioning why I don't have anyone... Who needs that? Is it my fault that I don't have anyone? This big requirements that I make to anyone nice that comes into my life are just excuses because I am too frighten of being hurt? What was wrong with the last guy? Why didn't I give it a shot? Why am I like this? Why do they have to be so perfect? What's wrong with me?

The funny thing is that the times I feel more lonely is when I'm surrounded of people. Like this one time I went to a friend's party and when i get there I realise that the only person I knew was the birthday girl. Of course she couldn't give me attention and I felt my self like in that Smiths' song

"I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does"

Like "stand on your own and leave on your own..." Why am I like this, you know? Why can't I just get know new people and have fun... Why am I so shy? So, at times like this, I wish I was alone in my bedroon, listening to this same song or at the cinema watching my favourite movies...

I feel so lonely lately... I don't know what is happening with me. I've always been so independent... I always had lunch on my own, went to the cinema on my own... Nothing ever seemed to be out of place. That was just the way it was. I was kind of proud of this. I never needed anyone. If someone could come to my life, great, but I didn't need him. But now, it seems like it is not enough anymore... I really do need someone.

You are gonna be the one who saves me...